8/28/23- I am at a bit of a Lose

Why is it so hard to imagine myself with someone. I am not saying I am not worthy of anyone but just trying to imagine a relationship with that person… It just doesn’t sit well. It’s hard to explain.

The lady’s That I see through dating apps are good, don’t get me wrong. A lot of them are very beautiful and have great personalities according to what they write, but in the end it’s just meh for me. I think it might have to do with the fact that we share the best me that we can be on the internet and for me it’s too much. It goes from someone whose human that isn’t perfect to someone who is always doing something, looking their best and always going. It’s exhausting. It could be that I don’t want to look and put myself out there. I don’t know, I am over it and I am not. Maybe I just don’t want to put in the work.

I need to get out more see people be closer to who they really are in real life, public me isn’t quite the same as private me…. Just thinking about it gets my anxiety going. I don’t know why I even ask people if they want to hang out… spend time… what is the right way to say that. It is hard to focus on anything. Mind wanders… thinking about work, finances, myself, relationships. Maybe it’s an underlying problem. I just don’t know.

8/1/23

 

The days have been… slow. It’s weird to not have that person who you can confide with and share everything. From when you are feeling your best to when you are feeling your lowest. I think writing will help with keeping things in check.

It has been a while since I posted, but at least, I think, this year is going to have the most posts posted in a single year. So, yay for that. I just recently came back from my trip to Mexico. It was as always very fulfilling. I wouldn’t say exciting or fun because some days are just the slowest boring thing, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Mexico is just a nice way to get out of the norm and catch up with people who you haven’t really heard from in a while. Man do I wish I could have stayed longer.

One week in Mexico is not nearly long enough time to be completely fulfilling for me. It went by so fast, and everything felt so rushed and some things felt incomplete. I didn’t get to help my grandpa with his phone issues, didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted, and I didn’t get to eat everything I wanted. As fast as it went it is nice to be back home. It’s going to be a while to have Mexico feel normal and not bring heart ache when I go.

It was the right thing to do but it still hurts. Things changed for us, and some things didn’t. I was so unsure of what I wanted to do when I first met her, and it felt like each path I took just lead to a dead end. The US or at least CA felt like it needed to go, and I needed to go somewhere else and start fresh. I always like Mexico maybe try out there I thought at the time. Things did change though I finally found my footing, I found stability. Although I dislike the fast pace of things here at least I had the option to not have to do it forever. Save enough and just get, but that would have taken too long.

She never had any intention of moving away from her part of the world. She made it clear from the start. I hoped to change her mind, but I never really had the chance. Although having her far was difficult for me it was a whole different kind of challenging for her. It ate at her physically and mentally. It just wasn’t healthy and there was nothing I could do to make things better for her. It’s better this way but it still hurts.

First Semester Done (Never Thought I Say That Again)

This post might be premature, but I am excited to say I finished my second first semester of college. Well technically it’s truly my first college semester done since the first was a quarter and not a semester, but I digress.

I never imagined I would go back to school after how terrible I did the first time around, it’s an exaggeration but still it wasn’t pretty, but where I am now in life it was a no-brainer to go back. It was a small step sure, I only took one online class, and it was material I had a good grasp on already, but I did learn new things and I better understand what am doing at work. Plus, it feels really good to pursue something and see it all the way through confidently instead of blindly running headfirst to the unknown and praying for it all to be over soon.

 

I think I will keep this one short, I just wanted to share the good news. I think I am going to make this website’s presence bigger on Instagram. So, if you are from Instagram welcome hope you enjoy my thoughts and rants. And sorry for being so annoying on Instagram.

Ohh I said in the beginning of the post that this might be premature because I don’t know If I am going to need to take the final or not. I just finished what I hope will be the last assignment for the course, but I am still waiting on the grades on some assignments to see if I will be keeping my A or if my grade might drop to an A-. I am confident I’ll keep my A, but you never know.

Have a good day.

-Alex

P.S. There are two audios coming up soon but I need to edit them. Be on the look out for those :)

Neglectful Parent :(

What can I say other than I dropped the ball.... I was suppose to look out for my baby and I pretty much abandoned her. Only really paying the bills around here.

Yah, I kind abandoned the website. Left it to collect digital dust in the corner while I was off doing more "exciting" things. It got so bad spam bots where posting comments on my posts. The nerve!!! 😡 I don't think I even have enough network traffic to constitute such a violation of my space. Well thankful Blogger makes it easy to delete unwanted comments. Fingers crossed they don't come back again, but here we are again. Removed those pesky cobwebs and dusted her down. Hopefully  I will be more around with more insightful posts. Going back to the bots, I don't even remember what they were shilling. Probably Bit Coin, It's always Bit Coin. 😒💨 

May 27, 2021- First Four Months... Five Months later.

First post of 2021! I am not going to go to crazy with this post. If you can listen to the podcast (link below) and let me know what you think.

That is all. Thank you!

What up May!

1/30/2021- The New Year

 What can I say but I have been lagging again on putting anything up. In fact, I have actually put a bit of distance between me and social media as a whole. No particular reason, like other times. Such as getting envious of other peoples relationships, or perceived happiness. No this time I turned away from social media because I felt I was wasting too much time on it. I will glance at it from time to time but I made it difficult for me to it so I'm not tempted to do it more often. 

Outside of that nothing has really been going on which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I kinda like where I am at right now. Going on walks, sleeping a good amount of time, spending time with the family, working on things I want to do and so on. The only problem is for now its not really stable. I still need a job and pay my bills. I over extended. If I didn't have as much debt as I do being unemployed wouldn't be a huge problem but it is and being in the level of debt I am I can't really take too much time to myself. I need to bring that under control then I will be more at ease with the things I want to do for me. 

2021 has to be a huge year of sacrifice. If I want to be able to live more comfortably I can't just be slow chipping or adding to the mountain that is my debt. I need to take huge swaths out of it at a time. This can mean 4 things:

1. Find a high paying job. (Easier said than done, at this point, however, I think I have enough experience to negotiate something higher than just barely over minimum wage).
2. Find a job that gives a huge amount of hours. (This option I dread the most. I like my me time and I feel this option I could easily find myself burning out in unless I can achieve option 3).
3. Find a job that gives a huge amount of hours and pays well. (This one is a no brainier. Less likely to give in to burn out if the pay is good and it helps me to get to finishing my goals faster. For this I was thinking trucking but it requires investing up front. Which I am not 100% ready to do. 
4. Go back to the Reserves. 

Now this last option takes a little bit from the other 3 options. If I do make the choice of returning to the Reserves, I need to focus on one thing first getting back into shape. The good job search would need to take a back seat. Make enough money to cruise until I go back to training. Obviously, if I do go back I'm going to make my diploma work for me and I am going to lead and give more to the Army and my peers. Once I return I will hopefully have enough money to hold me until I complete the requirements I need to do to be a trucker or maybe I will do active Reserve or maybe another opportunity will present it's self. I have no idea I just know I have options. 

This is why I have been overly concern in staying active, I just need to be better about what food I put in my system but one goal at a time. I don't want to over reach and quit lol. As for streaming I do plan to come back but as of when I don't know. I might change the set up too. I might focus more on uploading videos on YouTube and overlaying commentary on video after the fact. Instead of doing it at the moment. Then again doing it live does present for better material. I don't know, I guess I will have to see what feels more comfortable. 

 I guess that is it for the time being. 

Dec 26, 2020- Shedding the Morning Dark

Shedding the Morning Dark 

A link of a podcast-isque  post I made on December 16, 2020. Check it out. I think I will make more of these but it won't be on Sound Cloud, it will be on YouTube with some background recording in the background. It might be a Let's Play, recording of a drawing session, or something else. They might have a face-cam or not. We will see.

Merry belated Christmas everyone!

P.S.- I like the lack of consistency on the dates on the title LOL

 

 

11/28/2020: Streaming and Posting More

 I decided to make a Twitch channel!!! 👍

My field, if it stays my field, doesn't need much in Twitch, game plays or social media, streaming will help in public streaming. There's nothing like a stream to help in speak out loud, thinking on the fly and continue a conversation. 😂 For right now it's to myself, with the occasion guest star of my brother to talk to, but the hope is to cultivate an audience and talk to them in the future. Its nothing too structured, its talking about anything or nothing at all while having something in the background playing. Sometimes the conversation will be about what is going in said background, but other times it will be whatever I can think of. If its gets bigger and income becomes more fluid the quality will definitely go up, for now it is what it is and I do what I can, with what I have. 

As for posting here.... I have been very, characteristically, lazy about posting here, so I need to get better at it. What better way to get your ideas flowing but to put them down on pen and paper, in this case keyboard and blog post. 😅 Nothing excessively exciting has happened between posts other than the fact I find myself with a lot more free time. Some of you, maybe, know what I am talking about.

As we near the closure of 2020, like so many other people I take a look back at what has happened in the year and previous years. With everything that has happened it has not been an awful year, kinda weird I know. 😅 I am not going to get into much detail about it now sense there is still some 30+ days left in the year and a lot can change in that time. I don't know but 2019 was just awful and I don't think there's too much that can beat that, at least for a while. It can always get worse and it can always get better. It's all about your state of mind. There was just so much that happen last year year and a lot was learned. I can honestly say, things that I encountered this year, if I encountered them last year, I would have struggled to be positive and handle the situations. Yet there is still a lot to learn and it's not a straight positive curve. The curve moves down, sometimes backwards (is it even a curve at that point mathematically speaking 🤔) and it plateaus. 

Anyways check out the channel, link below. I also archive the streams on YouTube so you can check that out too. Maybe one day we can have a conversation on a stream. 😁 Anyways that is it for now and you'll be hearing from me more on here too. Take care. 

 

P.S. Practice Truth. Fear Nothing. (T-Shirt wisdom LOL)

 

Twitch Link      

Restless 10/27/20

 The title pretty much sums it up. I'm finding it hard to go to asleep at a good time. It's just not something physical, it's also mental. Again I'm stuck in the paradox in which I can't seem to be able to occupy my time with something that keeps me... sane, I guess the best word to describe it.

I finish work and I can't seem to find something to engage in. And work isn't feeling as fulfilling anymore and I'm constantly bored. I don't want to go down this path again. It's so weird, I always wonder what do other people do? I can't imagine they sit in front of a screen all day... Do they? Games, TV, movies and all that other stuff is ok for a period of time but it gets pretty mondane pretty quickly. And how do people find the patient and motivation to study? Maybe I'll go back to the army. The army was annoying at times and boring but the kind of boring there was different. I guess in the simplest sense at least there you knew it had to stop and there was something to look forward to. Out hear... Not so much. I have found when you are bored out here there's nothing to look forward to. At least in the situation I am in.

The weekends come and go and it's always nice to spend it with the family but there's nothing there outside of that. The issue of not really having to connect in a deeper level is by far one of the most infuriating things. I don't know it brings up the question that always nags me, am I confortable with myself? All the self help and mental people would say no. And that's another thing those who are always rubbing it in your face about how good they are and are always putting out how to be "mental happy", are they happy. To be completely honest I think those that are truly happy don't announce it to the world. There world doesn't exist in a screen and for the approval of others it only exist right there in front of there eyes.

Social media is a disease. One that I hope to overcome one day. There will be a day in which for some of you or maybe all of you will recall a fragment of a memory in the back of your head and you well wonder who was that? What was there name? Or better yet I will simply disappear in your eyes almost as if I never even existed. One day... 

Opening Up 9/19/20

It's weird to say but 2020 has been a rather good year for me especially when I think back to where I was last year. I couldn't have imagined myself being where I am today back then. There's things to work out but I am happy about who I am and I feel comfortable in my own skin, something I've only imagined being able to tell myself.

With this state of being I have been able to open up in ways I thought I won't every do. I have but myself out there in somethings I thought I would always keep hidden away. To be clear though I'm not going to openly say what that is. If those two sides of me, these worlds collide, so be it. I'm sure if people found out about this side it would make an interesting conversation or an instant purge 😅

I wonder if anyone knows or what they would say 🤔

Only time will tell and if I lose people then so be it, I don't need them in my life. This side is a part of me and I'm tired of being ashamed of it,thinking it's bad. I accepted it and I know I'm a good person. 😁

it's Complicated 9/14/2020

Seeking happiness from outside in is a no go. As humans and with our reptile brains if we look outward for happiness you are never going to truly be happy. You reach the end goal and it's not what you thought and you'll look for happiness somewhere else. It's never enough. I wonder if it's the same looking to be happy from the inside. I mean what does it matter in or out. Does the brain know the difference. Or maybe it interprets it differently and it's not as damaging to your mental well being if you are happy with yourself. It's a thinker for sure.

Which kinda brings me to the point I'm trying to make. Im happy-ish. I guess you can't always be 100% happy but you can be better about the way you feel when things don't go the way you hope. In lamest terms I don't care. What I mean by that is that I'm not overly occupied by other people's reactions or opinions (or the lack of 🤣) I'm good with who I am. If people don't get it or me that's all right, it wasn't meant to be. I'm not going to try and change for other people. Yet... 

Idk I'm not completely satisfied with where I am right now. I want more and the things the way they are now isn't getting me there. Like I said complicated. Time to alter course a bit and see where it takes me.