Vicious Cycle May 20, 2020

I took a moment to reread something I wrote 6 years ago. Keeping things short, I have been living the same nightmare day after day. Just to keep things credible an exert of March 2, 2014.

Not A Robot Part II May 16, 2020

I honestly don't remember where I was going with that thought thread in that last thread. Ironically enough it proves my point. If I were a robot I would have remembered 🤖🤣.

Anyways it's another sleepless night. I think I want to put this up on my Instagram but then the whole point of this was for me and not anyone else. Then again it shouldn't matter where I put it as long as I stay genuine but can I stay genuine if by the off chance someone does click on the link. Then it shouldn't fucking matter because I'm posting it for me and who cares who reads. It's a drag to say the least. Drive myself crazy playing these mind games with myself. 

I should be tierd. Put some TLC to the house. Put somethings up, fixed somethings, reorganized the living room but hear I am with my incessant thoughts keeping me up.

I'm suppose to do something to get out of my comfort zone. Meet other people, do something that I would normally make an excuse for but I'm drawing a blank. It's weird you hate the isolation but you find yourself seeking it. I'm trying to write for the sake of writing not to prove anything but my mind always, always wonders how other will precieve it. Always for someone else never me. Even if I were to put my thoughts from pen to paper, I wonder what would happen if I were to die and someone finds it and wonders, "What the hell was wrong with this guy?". I don't know. I seek others approval and it's so damn aggravating.

One day I'll get out of it. 

Not a Robot May 11, 2020

Happy belated mother's day to all those wonderful women who took the path of motherhood. I hope y'all had an amazing day.

Now these things don't really need a structure. Write a thought there, a thought here, whatever. Right now I write to you because, as has been the norm for several weeks, my mind starts to race when I try to sleep. My hope is by writing I cool my jets and unbusy my mind to go to sleep. Fingers crossed. It's anxiety. Since my mind doesn't have the distractions and occupations of the day, the mind will remind you of all those things you have been actively avoiding all day. One of the biggest things I am constantly worrying about is finding a job, and not just any job but one that I would enjoy and be passionate about. Another thing is a relationship but that is another subject for a different time with complexities I don't really completely comprehend.

Now it's going to be 2 years since I graduated and work hasn't been nessarily solid during that time. Since college the only thing that was pretty consistent in life was the Army but that unfortunately came to an end in February. Better yet instead of saying it came to an end, let's say it is on hautis with a big old "to be continued" label tacked on at the end. I don't want to ever close that option out forever. I love the Army too much. Anyways, army consistent everything else not so much. I was blessed with an opportunity to work at a law office June of last year after I "recovered" from my break up. That chapter of my life, however, quickly ended 5 months later in the end of October. Now, there was a lot factors that contributed to this course of action from myself and the law office, but it pretty much came down to that we were not on the same path. I felt they wanted me to breath and live the office and for me that wasn't going to happen. They didn't give me a reason to live and breath my work. The environment wasn't there and the expectations we had for each other was not what we thought.

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The 14 Cruze

5/2/2020 Perfection

It's pretty crazy how skewed the internet makes people's lives to be. Even though we are going through a crisis we put up a front like if nothing is wrong, some of us are worse about it than others. I can't imagine things are ever going to be the same. With shelter in place we are going to receded further into the internet even after the dangerous of Covid-19 are reduced. Now, what exactly will this mean? People putting up the image of perfection is going to intensify. 

People are going to continue to put up this image that everything is not just fine but perfect. I find it hard to believe in the middle of a crisis that most have nothing to report but good things in their lives. When did we decide to make it only ok to put up the good things and not the bad things. Are we so afraid that if we put the bad, people will judge us. Covid-19 sucks and it's hard to find the motivation to self improve. I try to but it's a struggle. Count the little victories, I guess, like putting another one of these up. 

I digeris. With the internet taking a more prominent place in our lives it's going to make us less genuine. Some of us are better at spotting the fakes or not put such an importance into the image. But for some of us... I already find it hard to nativigate this social world now, the future I see is just going to make things worse. 

I honestly believe no one on the internet is their true self. It's sad and it sucks. I like to think I practice a healthy amount of caution when I put my trust on people. Unfortunately it's not true, as soon as I have a personal connection with someone I become way to trusting. 

I'll get better in my train of thought....

05/01/2020 Stepping in to the Unknown

To put a fire under my butt and study more I am going to record me going over my online class material. This will serve several purposes. 

1. By not only writing but also rereading my notes it will cement the material in my head. It's kind the learning technique where in order to learn the material better you teach it to someone. I guess this is in a way a study group where the bouncing of ideas helps you understand the subject matter better. 

2. It helps to get out of the comfort zone. There's really not much more to explain about this one. You have to get out there sometimes.

3. Practice speaking. Like anything else, if you don't practice speaking you lose it. And, Ohh boy, if I really didn't speak to anyone before sheltering in place started, man, am I really not talking to anyone now. I notice I'm having trouble speaking, form full sentences. My speaking, in my opinion, is lazy and I stumble a lot and I mean a lot when I talk. That last bit I'm sure has to do with my restless and insane quest for perfection, but that is for another time. 

So yah practice speaking. 

4. And above all because I want to. I'm sure I can outline so many more reasons but I mean when it comes down to it, it's because I want to do it.

I've been a podcast listener/ let's play watcher for well over 10 years now. I've seen personalities come and go but the industry today is so much bigger now and it continues to grow. I never had the courage to put myself out there, making excuses of why it wouldn't work out or why I shouldn't try. But in the end it should only work out for me. So like me posting these, the recordings or podcast is for me and I'm really excited to start. 

4/27/2020 - Alex

I am going with my nickname!!!!

The period of time when I used the name Sam was a rough time in my life. With a lots of ups and a way lot of downs. I feel with that transition from Alex to Sam I started to experience the real world and I let it change me. I was no longer comfortable being me, I let others opinions affect me. I was less confident, less self assured and more bitter.

Will I am trying to work pass that now and what better way of showing that off to myself is by going back to my old nickname of Alex. Going forward that's the way I'm going to introduce myself.

Which, LOL, isn't going to be too confusing. My family never did stop calling me Alex, which I am extremely grateful for, and those that did call me Sam at this point are pretty much non-existent in my life.

4/26/2020 - Let me Be Clear

At times it feels like I am just an anonymous to the people around me and the only reason they "interact" with me is because they feel obligated to do so. I exclude my family because they actively talk to me and seek me out. It makes it clear that the people in my past, because those are the only people I socialize with... if you can even call it that, view me in a negative light.  That ooorrrr... they made up their minds that they really don't have the room to include me in their lives. What am I to assume when you ask someone "how they are doing?" and barely get a response back with no follow up to see how you are doing? Either the person is so self-centered, forgetful, socially inept, busy in their own life or a million other things. I don't know and I am pretty sure I will never know... that is life.    

Am I blaming these people for not trying to get to know me or taking the time to chat with me? No, I am not. I made my mistakes and I have left, what I can only imagine, my negative or not impressive impression on them. That's their choice and they have the right to it.  What I dislike is using my energy to keep a connection going that is pretty much not working. I need to work on that. I am giving the other person more control than they deserve to have. If I see the cracks on the wall. Why do I chose to stay in the house? You'd think I have enough sense to get out of the building before everything falls apart over me. But I don't or should I say I didn't.

I relied on other peoples imagined precipitation of me to control my actions and my self-imagine.I am creating this blog and maybe in the future podcast to be clear and honest. The posts can be personal or thought provoking or just random. I initially wanted the website to be called "wandering arrows" but I missed the mark and called it "wondering arrows," but my mistake lead to a more meaningful impact on what the name's significance is.

-Alex