Death and my Thoughts on it 6.11.2020

May 2020 has been one of the hardest months I have experienced in my short life. My aunts boos and friend passed away early in the month and we took in his dog, Buddy. I love Buddy but in the back of my head I always have the feeling of sadness. We have this dog in our life's only because someone else's life ended. I can't over that feeling. He was a great boss, according to my aunt, he would go out of his way to give her things and ask about the family. It seems he is going to be missed by more than my aunt, he was an active member in his community.

Then in the end of the month my great uncle, mi tío, passed away. I took over in trying to collect donations and organize the publication of his wake and funeral, not everybody was able to see him in person, because he deserved it, but deep down I think i also did it out of guilt. Mi tío lived close but I hardly ever visited him and now he is gone and I won't see him for a very long time (my Christianity showing). I feel guilty about it. I would tell him and myself I would visit more but never did. I encountered a familiar feeling when my friend in the Army passed away. Told myself I will try to reach out to him more and he also passed and i won't get the chance to do so in this world.

 have ever thought about death. It's an eerie feeling to think that a body, the souls vessel, was someone. They had a life, friends, family, hopes and aspirations and then they don't. Death doesn't scare mean. As much as I am scared to do something dangerous or reckless, I am not scared to die. I am scared of the pain. Trust me when I say it. I have never said it out load before but I have considered killing myself. I would think if the Army sent me out to war it wouldn't be too bad if I never came back. The worse I ever felt was towards the end of my last relationship. Playing with the knife just imaging it going over my wrist, but they say cut parallel with the vein not perpendicular you'll bleed out faster. I don't think I ever seriously contemplated it but the thought was there. I knew my family would miss me but no one else. I hate myself for over think the latter. Like why the hell did I care so much why no one else wouldn't miss me...but I digress.

Death has been on my mind a lot these last few days, but in a health way. These days have been pretty awful but I can honestly say I have handled them a lot better. I've learned to forgive myself and not be overly worried about other people's opinions. I am not perfect and self care isn't a straight line. It has it's ups and it has its downs.      

the Haze of 2020 June 7, 2020

There is only one way I can describe 2020 and that is its a haze. To me being in a haze is one of the most terrifying places to be.

There's is no good or bad, moving forwards or backwards, it's all just one big pause. I almost want to say it's like a purgatory, YOU ARE TRAPPED. The world is somehow moving along and you can only watch it pass you by as you struggle to get out of the cycles of torrent and fear you've created for yourself. There's no getting out. In my experience good and bad dreams are blessings in one way, you wake up from them. In a hazy dream it goes on and on and on... Never any progress, never any failings. Sometimes you feel like you got out but you didn't. There you are blank with nothing to fear or to look forward to. Any other feeling would be welcomed because at least you know you are alive but where I am right now I don't feel anything.

How did we... I get here. It's June but the last few months didn't happen but they did. So much pain and uncertainty and joy and relief. Yet it feels empty non existent. I walk through the haze and fog and hope to find the edge. For now I just wonder through it, struggling to live. 

racism and other thoughts--June 1, 2020

It has been a while and it's a new month, but instead of starting fresh we must once again be reminded of how little growth we have done in regards to treating each other equally and with respect. Of course we focus more on the racism and discrimination that occurs here in the United States because, you know it is our own backyard, but no one people are innocent of mistreating others. That is beside the point and I have to focus on what is going in the here and now.

George Floyd on May 25, 2020 was murdered by police officers in Minnesota. This is a tragedy putting it lightly. I'm only going to say this regarding the matter. People have a right to protest. Those who go to protest and then go to loot do not respect anybody and degrade the movement for better and equal rights. Props to the protesters and you looters disgust me. That is it. 

May has been a rough month. Family tragedy and scares. Personally employment is still nonexistent and socially communication outside of the family is forced. You can interpret that however you'd like. To that last point, I'm not nessarily craving the need to talk to others but that can easily be me making the excuse of I don't need anybody to not put myself out there. I think it is easier for me to see how shallow people are by the way people react to the death of mi tío. I understand the difficulty it is to donate money especially in these hard times... I'm going to stop, I don't know all the details.... It just felt like people did not want to share to their sphere of influences for a small cause. Yet people easily share a post that makes them appear they understand or respect a cause or to share a post to benefit them. Where were your posts before the tragedy happened, since when did you care about the cause? What the hell is your post going to do, huh, you stupid, selfish people? 

I'm never going to understand people. Just to be clear I don't think I'm better than you or that I'm above you. There are a whole lot of people out there that do so much more. I mean, what exactly makes someone better than another person? I guess that's the whole point no one is better than anyone else. We are all gifted and flawed in different unique ways. I'm just saying don't go out there pretending someone you are not. 

Vicious Cycle May 20, 2020

I took a moment to reread something I wrote 6 years ago. Keeping things short, I have been living the same nightmare day after day. Just to keep things credible an exert of March 2, 2014.

Not A Robot Part II May 16, 2020

I honestly don't remember where I was going with that thought thread in that last thread. Ironically enough it proves my point. If I were a robot I would have remembered 🤖🤣.

Anyways it's another sleepless night. I think I want to put this up on my Instagram but then the whole point of this was for me and not anyone else. Then again it shouldn't matter where I put it as long as I stay genuine but can I stay genuine if by the off chance someone does click on the link. Then it shouldn't fucking matter because I'm posting it for me and who cares who reads. It's a drag to say the least. Drive myself crazy playing these mind games with myself. 

I should be tierd. Put some TLC to the house. Put somethings up, fixed somethings, reorganized the living room but hear I am with my incessant thoughts keeping me up.

I'm suppose to do something to get out of my comfort zone. Meet other people, do something that I would normally make an excuse for but I'm drawing a blank. It's weird you hate the isolation but you find yourself seeking it. I'm trying to write for the sake of writing not to prove anything but my mind always, always wonders how other will precieve it. Always for someone else never me. Even if I were to put my thoughts from pen to paper, I wonder what would happen if I were to die and someone finds it and wonders, "What the hell was wrong with this guy?". I don't know. I seek others approval and it's so damn aggravating.

One day I'll get out of it. 

Not a Robot May 11, 2020

Happy belated mother's day to all those wonderful women who took the path of motherhood. I hope y'all had an amazing day.

Now these things don't really need a structure. Write a thought there, a thought here, whatever. Right now I write to you because, as has been the norm for several weeks, my mind starts to race when I try to sleep. My hope is by writing I cool my jets and unbusy my mind to go to sleep. Fingers crossed. It's anxiety. Since my mind doesn't have the distractions and occupations of the day, the mind will remind you of all those things you have been actively avoiding all day. One of the biggest things I am constantly worrying about is finding a job, and not just any job but one that I would enjoy and be passionate about. Another thing is a relationship but that is another subject for a different time with complexities I don't really completely comprehend.

Now it's going to be 2 years since I graduated and work hasn't been nessarily solid during that time. Since college the only thing that was pretty consistent in life was the Army but that unfortunately came to an end in February. Better yet instead of saying it came to an end, let's say it is on hautis with a big old "to be continued" label tacked on at the end. I don't want to ever close that option out forever. I love the Army too much. Anyways, army consistent everything else not so much. I was blessed with an opportunity to work at a law office June of last year after I "recovered" from my break up. That chapter of my life, however, quickly ended 5 months later in the end of October. Now, there was a lot factors that contributed to this course of action from myself and the law office, but it pretty much came down to that we were not on the same path. I felt they wanted me to breath and live the office and for me that wasn't going to happen. They didn't give me a reason to live and breath my work. The environment wasn't there and the expectations we had for each other was not what we thought.

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The 14 Cruze

5/2/2020 Perfection

It's pretty crazy how skewed the internet makes people's lives to be. Even though we are going through a crisis we put up a front like if nothing is wrong, some of us are worse about it than others. I can't imagine things are ever going to be the same. With shelter in place we are going to receded further into the internet even after the dangerous of Covid-19 are reduced. Now, what exactly will this mean? People putting up the image of perfection is going to intensify. 

People are going to continue to put up this image that everything is not just fine but perfect. I find it hard to believe in the middle of a crisis that most have nothing to report but good things in their lives. When did we decide to make it only ok to put up the good things and not the bad things. Are we so afraid that if we put the bad, people will judge us. Covid-19 sucks and it's hard to find the motivation to self improve. I try to but it's a struggle. Count the little victories, I guess, like putting another one of these up. 

I digeris. With the internet taking a more prominent place in our lives it's going to make us less genuine. Some of us are better at spotting the fakes or not put such an importance into the image. But for some of us... I already find it hard to nativigate this social world now, the future I see is just going to make things worse. 

I honestly believe no one on the internet is their true self. It's sad and it sucks. I like to think I practice a healthy amount of caution when I put my trust on people. Unfortunately it's not true, as soon as I have a personal connection with someone I become way to trusting. 

I'll get better in my train of thought....

05/01/2020 Stepping in to the Unknown

To put a fire under my butt and study more I am going to record me going over my online class material. This will serve several purposes. 

1. By not only writing but also rereading my notes it will cement the material in my head. It's kind the learning technique where in order to learn the material better you teach it to someone. I guess this is in a way a study group where the bouncing of ideas helps you understand the subject matter better. 

2. It helps to get out of the comfort zone. There's really not much more to explain about this one. You have to get out there sometimes.

3. Practice speaking. Like anything else, if you don't practice speaking you lose it. And, Ohh boy, if I really didn't speak to anyone before sheltering in place started, man, am I really not talking to anyone now. I notice I'm having trouble speaking, form full sentences. My speaking, in my opinion, is lazy and I stumble a lot and I mean a lot when I talk. That last bit I'm sure has to do with my restless and insane quest for perfection, but that is for another time. 

So yah practice speaking. 

4. And above all because I want to. I'm sure I can outline so many more reasons but I mean when it comes down to it, it's because I want to do it.

I've been a podcast listener/ let's play watcher for well over 10 years now. I've seen personalities come and go but the industry today is so much bigger now and it continues to grow. I never had the courage to put myself out there, making excuses of why it wouldn't work out or why I shouldn't try. But in the end it should only work out for me. So like me posting these, the recordings or podcast is for me and I'm really excited to start. 

4/27/2020 - Alex

I am going with my nickname!!!!

The period of time when I used the name Sam was a rough time in my life. With a lots of ups and a way lot of downs. I feel with that transition from Alex to Sam I started to experience the real world and I let it change me. I was no longer comfortable being me, I let others opinions affect me. I was less confident, less self assured and more bitter.

Will I am trying to work pass that now and what better way of showing that off to myself is by going back to my old nickname of Alex. Going forward that's the way I'm going to introduce myself.

Which, LOL, isn't going to be too confusing. My family never did stop calling me Alex, which I am extremely grateful for, and those that did call me Sam at this point are pretty much non-existent in my life.

4/26/2020 - Let me Be Clear

At times it feels like I am just an anonymous to the people around me and the only reason they "interact" with me is because they feel obligated to do so. I exclude my family because they actively talk to me and seek me out. It makes it clear that the people in my past, because those are the only people I socialize with... if you can even call it that, view me in a negative light.  That ooorrrr... they made up their minds that they really don't have the room to include me in their lives. What am I to assume when you ask someone "how they are doing?" and barely get a response back with no follow up to see how you are doing? Either the person is so self-centered, forgetful, socially inept, busy in their own life or a million other things. I don't know and I am pretty sure I will never know... that is life.    

Am I blaming these people for not trying to get to know me or taking the time to chat with me? No, I am not. I made my mistakes and I have left, what I can only imagine, my negative or not impressive impression on them. That's their choice and they have the right to it.  What I dislike is using my energy to keep a connection going that is pretty much not working. I need to work on that. I am giving the other person more control than they deserve to have. If I see the cracks on the wall. Why do I chose to stay in the house? You'd think I have enough sense to get out of the building before everything falls apart over me. But I don't or should I say I didn't.

I relied on other peoples imagined precipitation of me to control my actions and my self-imagine.I am creating this blog and maybe in the future podcast to be clear and honest. The posts can be personal or thought provoking or just random. I initially wanted the website to be called "wandering arrows" but I missed the mark and called it "wondering arrows," but my mistake lead to a more meaningful impact on what the name's significance is.

-Alex