letting go 8/17/2020

I dwell a lot of my time in the past which is ironic because I don't remember it too well...maybe that's why... Who knows.

It's not a healthy habit. It takes away from what's going on in the present and once again something I'm working on. You don't reach the level of depression I got to without learning some extremely unhealthy habits. Opinions are often conflicting. You want to be better but you don't want to do it alone. Yet you don't want to drag anyone in to the mess. Double yet isn't being healthy being able to connect with others. Life has always been a confusion. You want to think about the future but again you don't want to sit in it for too long because it takes away from the present. Yet how can you prepare yourself today without thinking about it. I guess that's the thing you need to balance. Look into the past just enough to learn from it and think about the future long enough to make a judgment call in what you are doing. Or do neither and just go with it. 

It's crazy how much I hate to be tied down to one specific thing yet I want the comment of a relationship. Do I want a relationship or do I just want to have the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. Idk how people do it... With any kind of relationship. How they can be so okay with only themselves. Or is that even a thing. 

How much is too much talking 

What do people even talk about 

Am I being too honest 

Too open

Too upfront 

Are not having Memes ok

Some Memes 

Lots of memes

Stay superficial

What is superficial 

I'm overthing it again. How do you simply move ahead. I don't think people realize it but they do move forward blindly and it has to be the best feeling in the world, to the point you don't think about it. 

"Ignorance is bless" never sounded so amazing

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." -Ecclesiastes 1:18

The Ever Present Disconnect - 08/15/2020

Something that has always been present in my pysci is the disconnect I feel from other people. Something Ive been able to handle better, now but it has a tendency to rear its ugly head from time to time. So, why not write about.

I feel sometimes that I have forgotten how to talk to people or better yet understand the people around me. When did it come to be where I simply can not talk to people. In my mind it's all my fault. 

I talked too much

I didn't say enough

I didn't convey exactly what I wanted to say

You said something wrong

You sounded like an asshole

You sounded like a push over

You sounded to clingy 

You sounded to distant 

You didn't get what was going on

You are asking too much

You are asking too little 

You'll never be understood 

There is no tribe for you out there 

You make no sense

You are conseded 

You can't make anything work

You are just being tolerated 

The list can go on and the depression and anxiety can go so much deeper. You tell yourself none of it is true, but it is one thing to say it and it's another completely other thing to believe. To be simply aware of the cycle is a step in the right direction but it's never quite that linear progress you are hoping for. That feeling of disconnect can be really frustrating. I mean is it normal to go a day without really talking to someone. Is it normal to not really be able to talk to. I love my family but there's somethings I can't really ever share with them because they made it obvious where they stand on somethings. I miss having someone to be completely comfortable with and vulnerable with but I ask my self does that person exist. Again, the cycle can be pretty overwhelming.

Is it possible that I might venture this world alone aimless seeking for that circle of safety that might not even exist. I'm 28 and it feels like somethings I should have figured out I didn't figure out. Then again who told you you had to have it figure out at a certain point. 

I dewell on it sometimes. 

Why do I write? August 8, 2020

It's a been a very long time since I wrote here. I been meaning to but I didn't have the time, make the time to be more accurate. The question still stands why do I do it.

For one I suffer from anxiety so it's easier to clear my thoughts and feelings if I write them down instead of just trying to grasp one thought at a time and try to make sense of it. Processing things when they are abstract and not real is a pain. Better said it's easier when it's physical and I can see it. I guess I am more of a visual learner. It's easier to write notes and see it, but I need to make a better note system because mine can have gaps and that doesn't really work in my line of work lol. It's a process... I find it ironic how much I need writing in my life because I can be so bad about it. My spelling isn't the worst but it needs improvement and don't get me started on my grammer.

I use to write when I felt down or when I couldn't quite grasp things when I felt they were spiraling out of control but there's more to write than just the bad times. Even when times are good I need to take a moment and reflect on what's going on and take it all in. Ive learned, better said I'm learning, I have a very minimal control of the things around me, but I can control how I feel or react to things. Writing helps in this process and I'm getting better at it, kinda of. Progression isn't a straight positive sloped curve. It's messy and it can have its ups and downs, and negative trends.

Some, like me, can have misinterpretation of what this means. It doesn't mean you have to be go lucky and happy all the times. Life can hit you hard and believe me life hits very hard but you can't have those negative impacts dictate the rest of your life. Learn from the good and the bad. 

There's so much to say but writing can fail in interpretating everything you want to say. It doesn't work if you can't articulate what you want to say. I guess that's fear getting in the way. Sometimes you got turn the handle and let it all flow out. 

Death and my Thoughts on it 6.11.2020

May 2020 has been one of the hardest months I have experienced in my short life. My aunts boos and friend passed away early in the month and we took in his dog, Buddy. I love Buddy but in the back of my head I always have the feeling of sadness. We have this dog in our life's only because someone else's life ended. I can't over that feeling. He was a great boss, according to my aunt, he would go out of his way to give her things and ask about the family. It seems he is going to be missed by more than my aunt, he was an active member in his community.

Then in the end of the month my great uncle, mi tío, passed away. I took over in trying to collect donations and organize the publication of his wake and funeral, not everybody was able to see him in person, because he deserved it, but deep down I think i also did it out of guilt. Mi tío lived close but I hardly ever visited him and now he is gone and I won't see him for a very long time (my Christianity showing). I feel guilty about it. I would tell him and myself I would visit more but never did. I encountered a familiar feeling when my friend in the Army passed away. Told myself I will try to reach out to him more and he also passed and i won't get the chance to do so in this world.

 have ever thought about death. It's an eerie feeling to think that a body, the souls vessel, was someone. They had a life, friends, family, hopes and aspirations and then they don't. Death doesn't scare mean. As much as I am scared to do something dangerous or reckless, I am not scared to die. I am scared of the pain. Trust me when I say it. I have never said it out load before but I have considered killing myself. I would think if the Army sent me out to war it wouldn't be too bad if I never came back. The worse I ever felt was towards the end of my last relationship. Playing with the knife just imaging it going over my wrist, but they say cut parallel with the vein not perpendicular you'll bleed out faster. I don't think I ever seriously contemplated it but the thought was there. I knew my family would miss me but no one else. I hate myself for over think the latter. Like why the hell did I care so much why no one else wouldn't miss me...but I digress.

Death has been on my mind a lot these last few days, but in a health way. These days have been pretty awful but I can honestly say I have handled them a lot better. I've learned to forgive myself and not be overly worried about other people's opinions. I am not perfect and self care isn't a straight line. It has it's ups and it has its downs.      

the Haze of 2020 June 7, 2020

There is only one way I can describe 2020 and that is its a haze. To me being in a haze is one of the most terrifying places to be.

There's is no good or bad, moving forwards or backwards, it's all just one big pause. I almost want to say it's like a purgatory, YOU ARE TRAPPED. The world is somehow moving along and you can only watch it pass you by as you struggle to get out of the cycles of torrent and fear you've created for yourself. There's no getting out. In my experience good and bad dreams are blessings in one way, you wake up from them. In a hazy dream it goes on and on and on... Never any progress, never any failings. Sometimes you feel like you got out but you didn't. There you are blank with nothing to fear or to look forward to. Any other feeling would be welcomed because at least you know you are alive but where I am right now I don't feel anything.

How did we... I get here. It's June but the last few months didn't happen but they did. So much pain and uncertainty and joy and relief. Yet it feels empty non existent. I walk through the haze and fog and hope to find the edge. For now I just wonder through it, struggling to live. 

racism and other thoughts--June 1, 2020

It has been a while and it's a new month, but instead of starting fresh we must once again be reminded of how little growth we have done in regards to treating each other equally and with respect. Of course we focus more on the racism and discrimination that occurs here in the United States because, you know it is our own backyard, but no one people are innocent of mistreating others. That is beside the point and I have to focus on what is going in the here and now.

George Floyd on May 25, 2020 was murdered by police officers in Minnesota. This is a tragedy putting it lightly. I'm only going to say this regarding the matter. People have a right to protest. Those who go to protest and then go to loot do not respect anybody and degrade the movement for better and equal rights. Props to the protesters and you looters disgust me. That is it. 

May has been a rough month. Family tragedy and scares. Personally employment is still nonexistent and socially communication outside of the family is forced. You can interpret that however you'd like. To that last point, I'm not nessarily craving the need to talk to others but that can easily be me making the excuse of I don't need anybody to not put myself out there. I think it is easier for me to see how shallow people are by the way people react to the death of mi tío. I understand the difficulty it is to donate money especially in these hard times... I'm going to stop, I don't know all the details.... It just felt like people did not want to share to their sphere of influences for a small cause. Yet people easily share a post that makes them appear they understand or respect a cause or to share a post to benefit them. Where were your posts before the tragedy happened, since when did you care about the cause? What the hell is your post going to do, huh, you stupid, selfish people? 

I'm never going to understand people. Just to be clear I don't think I'm better than you or that I'm above you. There are a whole lot of people out there that do so much more. I mean, what exactly makes someone better than another person? I guess that's the whole point no one is better than anyone else. We are all gifted and flawed in different unique ways. I'm just saying don't go out there pretending someone you are not. 

Vicious Cycle May 20, 2020

I took a moment to reread something I wrote 6 years ago. Keeping things short, I have been living the same nightmare day after day. Just to keep things credible an exert of March 2, 2014.

Not A Robot Part II May 16, 2020

I honestly don't remember where I was going with that thought thread in that last thread. Ironically enough it proves my point. If I were a robot I would have remembered 🤖🤣.

Anyways it's another sleepless night. I think I want to put this up on my Instagram but then the whole point of this was for me and not anyone else. Then again it shouldn't matter where I put it as long as I stay genuine but can I stay genuine if by the off chance someone does click on the link. Then it shouldn't fucking matter because I'm posting it for me and who cares who reads. It's a drag to say the least. Drive myself crazy playing these mind games with myself. 

I should be tierd. Put some TLC to the house. Put somethings up, fixed somethings, reorganized the living room but hear I am with my incessant thoughts keeping me up.

I'm suppose to do something to get out of my comfort zone. Meet other people, do something that I would normally make an excuse for but I'm drawing a blank. It's weird you hate the isolation but you find yourself seeking it. I'm trying to write for the sake of writing not to prove anything but my mind always, always wonders how other will precieve it. Always for someone else never me. Even if I were to put my thoughts from pen to paper, I wonder what would happen if I were to die and someone finds it and wonders, "What the hell was wrong with this guy?". I don't know. I seek others approval and it's so damn aggravating.

One day I'll get out of it. 

Not a Robot May 11, 2020

Happy belated mother's day to all those wonderful women who took the path of motherhood. I hope y'all had an amazing day.

Now these things don't really need a structure. Write a thought there, a thought here, whatever. Right now I write to you because, as has been the norm for several weeks, my mind starts to race when I try to sleep. My hope is by writing I cool my jets and unbusy my mind to go to sleep. Fingers crossed. It's anxiety. Since my mind doesn't have the distractions and occupations of the day, the mind will remind you of all those things you have been actively avoiding all day. One of the biggest things I am constantly worrying about is finding a job, and not just any job but one that I would enjoy and be passionate about. Another thing is a relationship but that is another subject for a different time with complexities I don't really completely comprehend.

Now it's going to be 2 years since I graduated and work hasn't been nessarily solid during that time. Since college the only thing that was pretty consistent in life was the Army but that unfortunately came to an end in February. Better yet instead of saying it came to an end, let's say it is on hautis with a big old "to be continued" label tacked on at the end. I don't want to ever close that option out forever. I love the Army too much. Anyways, army consistent everything else not so much. I was blessed with an opportunity to work at a law office June of last year after I "recovered" from my break up. That chapter of my life, however, quickly ended 5 months later in the end of October. Now, there was a lot factors that contributed to this course of action from myself and the law office, but it pretty much came down to that we were not on the same path. I felt they wanted me to breath and live the office and for me that wasn't going to happen. They didn't give me a reason to live and breath my work. The environment wasn't there and the expectations we had for each other was not what we thought.

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The 14 Cruze

5/2/2020 Perfection

It's pretty crazy how skewed the internet makes people's lives to be. Even though we are going through a crisis we put up a front like if nothing is wrong, some of us are worse about it than others. I can't imagine things are ever going to be the same. With shelter in place we are going to receded further into the internet even after the dangerous of Covid-19 are reduced. Now, what exactly will this mean? People putting up the image of perfection is going to intensify. 

People are going to continue to put up this image that everything is not just fine but perfect. I find it hard to believe in the middle of a crisis that most have nothing to report but good things in their lives. When did we decide to make it only ok to put up the good things and not the bad things. Are we so afraid that if we put the bad, people will judge us. Covid-19 sucks and it's hard to find the motivation to self improve. I try to but it's a struggle. Count the little victories, I guess, like putting another one of these up. 

I digeris. With the internet taking a more prominent place in our lives it's going to make us less genuine. Some of us are better at spotting the fakes or not put such an importance into the image. But for some of us... I already find it hard to nativigate this social world now, the future I see is just going to make things worse. 

I honestly believe no one on the internet is their true self. It's sad and it sucks. I like to think I practice a healthy amount of caution when I put my trust on people. Unfortunately it's not true, as soon as I have a personal connection with someone I become way to trusting. 

I'll get better in my train of thought....