1/30/2021- The New Year

 What can I say but I have been lagging again on putting anything up. In fact, I have actually put a bit of distance between me and social media as a whole. No particular reason, like other times. Such as getting envious of other peoples relationships, or perceived happiness. No this time I turned away from social media because I felt I was wasting too much time on it. I will glance at it from time to time but I made it difficult for me to it so I'm not tempted to do it more often. 

Outside of that nothing has really been going on which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I kinda like where I am at right now. Going on walks, sleeping a good amount of time, spending time with the family, working on things I want to do and so on. The only problem is for now its not really stable. I still need a job and pay my bills. I over extended. If I didn't have as much debt as I do being unemployed wouldn't be a huge problem but it is and being in the level of debt I am I can't really take too much time to myself. I need to bring that under control then I will be more at ease with the things I want to do for me. 

2021 has to be a huge year of sacrifice. If I want to be able to live more comfortably I can't just be slow chipping or adding to the mountain that is my debt. I need to take huge swaths out of it at a time. This can mean 4 things:

1. Find a high paying job. (Easier said than done, at this point, however, I think I have enough experience to negotiate something higher than just barely over minimum wage).
2. Find a job that gives a huge amount of hours. (This option I dread the most. I like my me time and I feel this option I could easily find myself burning out in unless I can achieve option 3).
3. Find a job that gives a huge amount of hours and pays well. (This one is a no brainier. Less likely to give in to burn out if the pay is good and it helps me to get to finishing my goals faster. For this I was thinking trucking but it requires investing up front. Which I am not 100% ready to do. 
4. Go back to the Reserves. 

Now this last option takes a little bit from the other 3 options. If I do make the choice of returning to the Reserves, I need to focus on one thing first getting back into shape. The good job search would need to take a back seat. Make enough money to cruise until I go back to training. Obviously, if I do go back I'm going to make my diploma work for me and I am going to lead and give more to the Army and my peers. Once I return I will hopefully have enough money to hold me until I complete the requirements I need to do to be a trucker or maybe I will do active Reserve or maybe another opportunity will present it's self. I have no idea I just know I have options. 

This is why I have been overly concern in staying active, I just need to be better about what food I put in my system but one goal at a time. I don't want to over reach and quit lol. As for streaming I do plan to come back but as of when I don't know. I might change the set up too. I might focus more on uploading videos on YouTube and overlaying commentary on video after the fact. Instead of doing it at the moment. Then again doing it live does present for better material. I don't know, I guess I will have to see what feels more comfortable. 

 I guess that is it for the time being. 

Dec 26, 2020- Shedding the Morning Dark

Shedding the Morning Dark 

A link of a podcast-isque  post I made on December 16, 2020. Check it out. I think I will make more of these but it won't be on Sound Cloud, it will be on YouTube with some background recording in the background. It might be a Let's Play, recording of a drawing session, or something else. They might have a face-cam or not. We will see.

Merry belated Christmas everyone!

P.S.- I like the lack of consistency on the dates on the title LOL

 

 

11/28/2020: Streaming and Posting More

 I decided to make a Twitch channel!!! 👍

My field, if it stays my field, doesn't need much in Twitch, game plays or social media, streaming will help in public streaming. There's nothing like a stream to help in speak out loud, thinking on the fly and continue a conversation. 😂 For right now it's to myself, with the occasion guest star of my brother to talk to, but the hope is to cultivate an audience and talk to them in the future. Its nothing too structured, its talking about anything or nothing at all while having something in the background playing. Sometimes the conversation will be about what is going in said background, but other times it will be whatever I can think of. If its gets bigger and income becomes more fluid the quality will definitely go up, for now it is what it is and I do what I can, with what I have. 

As for posting here.... I have been very, characteristically, lazy about posting here, so I need to get better at it. What better way to get your ideas flowing but to put them down on pen and paper, in this case keyboard and blog post. 😅 Nothing excessively exciting has happened between posts other than the fact I find myself with a lot more free time. Some of you, maybe, know what I am talking about.

As we near the closure of 2020, like so many other people I take a look back at what has happened in the year and previous years. With everything that has happened it has not been an awful year, kinda weird I know. 😅 I am not going to get into much detail about it now sense there is still some 30+ days left in the year and a lot can change in that time. I don't know but 2019 was just awful and I don't think there's too much that can beat that, at least for a while. It can always get worse and it can always get better. It's all about your state of mind. There was just so much that happen last year year and a lot was learned. I can honestly say, things that I encountered this year, if I encountered them last year, I would have struggled to be positive and handle the situations. Yet there is still a lot to learn and it's not a straight positive curve. The curve moves down, sometimes backwards (is it even a curve at that point mathematically speaking 🤔) and it plateaus. 

Anyways check out the channel, link below. I also archive the streams on YouTube so you can check that out too. Maybe one day we can have a conversation on a stream. 😁 Anyways that is it for now and you'll be hearing from me more on here too. Take care. 

 

P.S. Practice Truth. Fear Nothing. (T-Shirt wisdom LOL)

 

Twitch Link      

Restless 10/27/20

 The title pretty much sums it up. I'm finding it hard to go to asleep at a good time. It's just not something physical, it's also mental. Again I'm stuck in the paradox in which I can't seem to be able to occupy my time with something that keeps me... sane, I guess the best word to describe it.

I finish work and I can't seem to find something to engage in. And work isn't feeling as fulfilling anymore and I'm constantly bored. I don't want to go down this path again. It's so weird, I always wonder what do other people do? I can't imagine they sit in front of a screen all day... Do they? Games, TV, movies and all that other stuff is ok for a period of time but it gets pretty mondane pretty quickly. And how do people find the patient and motivation to study? Maybe I'll go back to the army. The army was annoying at times and boring but the kind of boring there was different. I guess in the simplest sense at least there you knew it had to stop and there was something to look forward to. Out hear... Not so much. I have found when you are bored out here there's nothing to look forward to. At least in the situation I am in.

The weekends come and go and it's always nice to spend it with the family but there's nothing there outside of that. The issue of not really having to connect in a deeper level is by far one of the most infuriating things. I don't know it brings up the question that always nags me, am I confortable with myself? All the self help and mental people would say no. And that's another thing those who are always rubbing it in your face about how good they are and are always putting out how to be "mental happy", are they happy. To be completely honest I think those that are truly happy don't announce it to the world. There world doesn't exist in a screen and for the approval of others it only exist right there in front of there eyes.

Social media is a disease. One that I hope to overcome one day. There will be a day in which for some of you or maybe all of you will recall a fragment of a memory in the back of your head and you well wonder who was that? What was there name? Or better yet I will simply disappear in your eyes almost as if I never even existed. One day... 

Opening Up 9/19/20

It's weird to say but 2020 has been a rather good year for me especially when I think back to where I was last year. I couldn't have imagined myself being where I am today back then. There's things to work out but I am happy about who I am and I feel comfortable in my own skin, something I've only imagined being able to tell myself.

With this state of being I have been able to open up in ways I thought I won't every do. I have but myself out there in somethings I thought I would always keep hidden away. To be clear though I'm not going to openly say what that is. If those two sides of me, these worlds collide, so be it. I'm sure if people found out about this side it would make an interesting conversation or an instant purge 😅

I wonder if anyone knows or what they would say 🤔

Only time will tell and if I lose people then so be it, I don't need them in my life. This side is a part of me and I'm tired of being ashamed of it,thinking it's bad. I accepted it and I know I'm a good person. 😁

it's Complicated 9/14/2020

Seeking happiness from outside in is a no go. As humans and with our reptile brains if we look outward for happiness you are never going to truly be happy. You reach the end goal and it's not what you thought and you'll look for happiness somewhere else. It's never enough. I wonder if it's the same looking to be happy from the inside. I mean what does it matter in or out. Does the brain know the difference. Or maybe it interprets it differently and it's not as damaging to your mental well being if you are happy with yourself. It's a thinker for sure.

Which kinda brings me to the point I'm trying to make. Im happy-ish. I guess you can't always be 100% happy but you can be better about the way you feel when things don't go the way you hope. In lamest terms I don't care. What I mean by that is that I'm not overly occupied by other people's reactions or opinions (or the lack of 🤣) I'm good with who I am. If people don't get it or me that's all right, it wasn't meant to be. I'm not going to try and change for other people. Yet... 

Idk I'm not completely satisfied with where I am right now. I want more and the things the way they are now isn't getting me there. Like I said complicated. Time to alter course a bit and see where it takes me. 

letting go 8/17/2020

I dwell a lot of my time in the past which is ironic because I don't remember it too well...maybe that's why... Who knows.

It's not a healthy habit. It takes away from what's going on in the present and once again something I'm working on. You don't reach the level of depression I got to without learning some extremely unhealthy habits. Opinions are often conflicting. You want to be better but you don't want to do it alone. Yet you don't want to drag anyone in to the mess. Double yet isn't being healthy being able to connect with others. Life has always been a confusion. You want to think about the future but again you don't want to sit in it for too long because it takes away from the present. Yet how can you prepare yourself today without thinking about it. I guess that's the thing you need to balance. Look into the past just enough to learn from it and think about the future long enough to make a judgment call in what you are doing. Or do neither and just go with it. 

It's crazy how much I hate to be tied down to one specific thing yet I want the comment of a relationship. Do I want a relationship or do I just want to have the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. Idk how people do it... With any kind of relationship. How they can be so okay with only themselves. Or is that even a thing. 

How much is too much talking 

What do people even talk about 

Am I being too honest 

Too open

Too upfront 

Are not having Memes ok

Some Memes 

Lots of memes

Stay superficial

What is superficial 

I'm overthing it again. How do you simply move ahead. I don't think people realize it but they do move forward blindly and it has to be the best feeling in the world, to the point you don't think about it. 

"Ignorance is bless" never sounded so amazing

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." -Ecclesiastes 1:18

The Ever Present Disconnect - 08/15/2020

Something that has always been present in my pysci is the disconnect I feel from other people. Something Ive been able to handle better, now but it has a tendency to rear its ugly head from time to time. So, why not write about.

I feel sometimes that I have forgotten how to talk to people or better yet understand the people around me. When did it come to be where I simply can not talk to people. In my mind it's all my fault. 

I talked too much

I didn't say enough

I didn't convey exactly what I wanted to say

You said something wrong

You sounded like an asshole

You sounded like a push over

You sounded to clingy 

You sounded to distant 

You didn't get what was going on

You are asking too much

You are asking too little 

You'll never be understood 

There is no tribe for you out there 

You make no sense

You are conseded 

You can't make anything work

You are just being tolerated 

The list can go on and the depression and anxiety can go so much deeper. You tell yourself none of it is true, but it is one thing to say it and it's another completely other thing to believe. To be simply aware of the cycle is a step in the right direction but it's never quite that linear progress you are hoping for. That feeling of disconnect can be really frustrating. I mean is it normal to go a day without really talking to someone. Is it normal to not really be able to talk to. I love my family but there's somethings I can't really ever share with them because they made it obvious where they stand on somethings. I miss having someone to be completely comfortable with and vulnerable with but I ask my self does that person exist. Again, the cycle can be pretty overwhelming.

Is it possible that I might venture this world alone aimless seeking for that circle of safety that might not even exist. I'm 28 and it feels like somethings I should have figured out I didn't figure out. Then again who told you you had to have it figure out at a certain point. 

I dewell on it sometimes. 

Why do I write? August 8, 2020

It's a been a very long time since I wrote here. I been meaning to but I didn't have the time, make the time to be more accurate. The question still stands why do I do it.

For one I suffer from anxiety so it's easier to clear my thoughts and feelings if I write them down instead of just trying to grasp one thought at a time and try to make sense of it. Processing things when they are abstract and not real is a pain. Better said it's easier when it's physical and I can see it. I guess I am more of a visual learner. It's easier to write notes and see it, but I need to make a better note system because mine can have gaps and that doesn't really work in my line of work lol. It's a process... I find it ironic how much I need writing in my life because I can be so bad about it. My spelling isn't the worst but it needs improvement and don't get me started on my grammer.

I use to write when I felt down or when I couldn't quite grasp things when I felt they were spiraling out of control but there's more to write than just the bad times. Even when times are good I need to take a moment and reflect on what's going on and take it all in. Ive learned, better said I'm learning, I have a very minimal control of the things around me, but I can control how I feel or react to things. Writing helps in this process and I'm getting better at it, kinda of. Progression isn't a straight positive sloped curve. It's messy and it can have its ups and downs, and negative trends.

Some, like me, can have misinterpretation of what this means. It doesn't mean you have to be go lucky and happy all the times. Life can hit you hard and believe me life hits very hard but you can't have those negative impacts dictate the rest of your life. Learn from the good and the bad. 

There's so much to say but writing can fail in interpretating everything you want to say. It doesn't work if you can't articulate what you want to say. I guess that's fear getting in the way. Sometimes you got turn the handle and let it all flow out. 

Death and my Thoughts on it 6.11.2020

May 2020 has been one of the hardest months I have experienced in my short life. My aunts boos and friend passed away early in the month and we took in his dog, Buddy. I love Buddy but in the back of my head I always have the feeling of sadness. We have this dog in our life's only because someone else's life ended. I can't over that feeling. He was a great boss, according to my aunt, he would go out of his way to give her things and ask about the family. It seems he is going to be missed by more than my aunt, he was an active member in his community.

Then in the end of the month my great uncle, mi tío, passed away. I took over in trying to collect donations and organize the publication of his wake and funeral, not everybody was able to see him in person, because he deserved it, but deep down I think i also did it out of guilt. Mi tío lived close but I hardly ever visited him and now he is gone and I won't see him for a very long time (my Christianity showing). I feel guilty about it. I would tell him and myself I would visit more but never did. I encountered a familiar feeling when my friend in the Army passed away. Told myself I will try to reach out to him more and he also passed and i won't get the chance to do so in this world.

 have ever thought about death. It's an eerie feeling to think that a body, the souls vessel, was someone. They had a life, friends, family, hopes and aspirations and then they don't. Death doesn't scare mean. As much as I am scared to do something dangerous or reckless, I am not scared to die. I am scared of the pain. Trust me when I say it. I have never said it out load before but I have considered killing myself. I would think if the Army sent me out to war it wouldn't be too bad if I never came back. The worse I ever felt was towards the end of my last relationship. Playing with the knife just imaging it going over my wrist, but they say cut parallel with the vein not perpendicular you'll bleed out faster. I don't think I ever seriously contemplated it but the thought was there. I knew my family would miss me but no one else. I hate myself for over think the latter. Like why the hell did I care so much why no one else wouldn't miss me...but I digress.

Death has been on my mind a lot these last few days, but in a health way. These days have been pretty awful but I can honestly say I have handled them a lot better. I've learned to forgive myself and not be overly worried about other people's opinions. I am not perfect and self care isn't a straight line. It has it's ups and it has its downs.      

the Haze of 2020 June 7, 2020

There is only one way I can describe 2020 and that is its a haze. To me being in a haze is one of the most terrifying places to be.

There's is no good or bad, moving forwards or backwards, it's all just one big pause. I almost want to say it's like a purgatory, YOU ARE TRAPPED. The world is somehow moving along and you can only watch it pass you by as you struggle to get out of the cycles of torrent and fear you've created for yourself. There's no getting out. In my experience good and bad dreams are blessings in one way, you wake up from them. In a hazy dream it goes on and on and on... Never any progress, never any failings. Sometimes you feel like you got out but you didn't. There you are blank with nothing to fear or to look forward to. Any other feeling would be welcomed because at least you know you are alive but where I am right now I don't feel anything.

How did we... I get here. It's June but the last few months didn't happen but they did. So much pain and uncertainty and joy and relief. Yet it feels empty non existent. I walk through the haze and fog and hope to find the edge. For now I just wonder through it, struggling to live.